SACRAMENTO, CA -- Deloy Link, a licensed marriage and family therapist in El Dorado County, appeared on Tuesday's News10 Good Morning to help parents discuss sexual abuse, in light of the recent scandals involving college coaches.
Here's Link's article:
Talking with your kids about certain topics is challenging for most parents. No matter how close you think you are with your child, you will find it very hard to know how to broach a subject like sexual abuse without having a "conversation starter."
There are two main reasons to discuss this topic: one, is that your child asks you about it, and two, because you suspect something has happened. A third reason is prevention.
Starting with prevention is the easiest way to initiate dialogue. "My body, my limits," is a conversation every parent should have with their child as soon as a toddler can speak.
"My body, my limits," allows a child to say no to kissing auntie goodbye, stop to brother when he's tickling too hard, and I don't want a hug when he or she doesn't want a hug. "I don't want to go" to the store, mall, or movies with. . . mommy's new boyfriend, grandpa, or so and so's mom across the street, is not always an indication that sexual abuse is happening. It is, however, a red flag especially if your child used to like the activity and suddenly doesn't anymore.
Talking about sexual subjects involving abuse is close to impossible unless you have a communication plan. Here are some "parent pointers" for how to open and close a dialogue with your child regarding sexual abuse.
- Know why you are bringing up this topic if the conversation is started by you. Do not ever bring up sexual abuse when you are emotionally escalated. Suspicion elicits emotional reaction. A reactive parent will not receive honest answers from a child.
- If your child brings up the topic, stay calm and ask, "Why are you asking that?" or "Do you know someone that happened to?" Ask what he or she would do if someone did something to them that they didn't like. Let him know that no matter what, you would listen to his story and do everything you could to help.
- Remember that perpetrators are attracted to victims, and victims are attracted to perpetrators. If you have ever been a victim of sexual abuse, watch out. It is likely that you could attract a predator. As well, if anyone in your family, including your extended family, has been a victim, identify the perpetrator to your child. You can't be safe unless you know what you are protecting yourself from.
- Most sexual abuse happens by someone you know. Watch for signs like favoritism, gifts, money, too much time alone, inappropriate outings, private conversations, and secret keeping. Look for mismatch factors like disparity in age, overly mature conversations, substance use in the presence of a child at an inappropriate time, and too much desire to be alone with this person.
- Sexual crimes are crimes of secret keeping and shame. No perpetrator wants to get caught. Denial is the only way to keep this crime quiet, and the predator is a master of disguise. He or she will use tactics of coercion, manipulation, grooming, justification, and rationalization to deny their behavior and continue doing their crime.
- Oftentimes, victims want to protect their abuser. This is because of something called a secondary gain. Fear of losing a spot on the team, your job, credibility with peers, being called a liar, and fear of not being "the favorite," which gets you lots of "favors" are all reasons victims don't talk about their abuse.
- Lastly, observe, ask, listen. Repeat at a later time if needed. Timing is everything. Don't be paranoid, but don't be an ostrich either. Seek professional help if you get stuck.
By Deloy Link, MS, LMFT
deloy@edtherapylink.com
News10/KXTV